DOESN’T IT drive you insane when a company answers the phone with one of
those horrid, time-consuming, automated systems? Press 1 for this, 2 for that, 3
for the other. And then press 1 for something else, 2 for something different,
and so on, until you end up saddled with something completely different from
what you were looking for, with no easy option to go back and listen to the
options again.
Feedback has been told of a trick that can often defeat this electronic hoop
jumping. Just go on pressing 0 like a machine gun. And, hey presto, a real live
human being comes on the line.
“Yes, it can work, but don’t tell too many people,” a telecoms expert begged
us. But we’ve decided only good can come from passing on the tip. If it does not
work on the switchboard you are calling, nothing is lost. If it does work, the
company that installed the wretched, humiliating system may finally have to
accept that it is driving customers to distraction.
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THE US ARMY has a lab outside Boston where scientists and engineers create
better food, clothing and shelter for its soldiers. What goes into soldiers
must, of course, come out, so the lab has developed what one proud page on its
website calls a Family of Latrines
(www.sbccom.army.mil/products/field/latrines.htm).
The family turns out to be rather like the bear family in the Goldilocks
story. There is the Baby Bear of the group, a basic model for operations lasting
under one month, or Modular Initial Deployment Latrine. Momma Bear is the 30 to
120-day model, the Maturing Theater Latrine. American rock concert veterans will
instantly recognise this as a Porta Potti clone, even though the army has
covered it with camouflage paint.
Last of all comes the Poppa Bear of latrines, the Follow On Latrine, an
elaborate structure with flush toilets and hot and cold running water. The army
felicitously describes it as designed “for the rear area”.
FROM time to time we have complained in this column about the absurdities of
corporate disclaimers that are tacked onto the end of e-mails. It’s good to see
that someone—sadly we don’t know who—has now produced an
“Antidisclaimer” that is circulating round the Net. Hopefully people will start
using it instead of the “real” ones. Here it is.
“Important. Antidisclaimer. This e-mail is not and cannot, by its nature, be
confidential. En route from me to you, it will pass across the public Internet,
easily readable by any number of system administrators along the way. If you
have received this message by mistake, it would be ridiculous for me to tell you
not to read it or copy to anyone else, because, let’s face it, if it’s a message
revealing confidential information or that could embarrass me intensely, that’s
precisely what you’ll do. Who wouldn’t?
“Likewise, it is superfluous for me to claim copyright in the contents,
because I own that anyway, even if you print out a hard copy or disseminate this
message all over the known Universe. I don’t know why so many corporate mail
servers feel impelled to attach a disclaimer to the bottom of every e-mail
message saying otherwise. If you don’t know either, why not e-mail your
corporate lawyers and system administrators and ask them why they insist on
contributing so much to the waste of bandwidth.”
SIGN affixed to the outside of the cash machines at the HSBC bank in Horley,
Surrey: “These machines are functioning normally. Please ignore any notices
affixed to the outside of the machines.”
Two-litre tubs of divine cream sold in new zealand display a prominent notice
saying: “95 per cent fat free per 100 millilitre serving”
A COLLEAGUE was searching for a mugshot of a medical scientist to illustrate
a news story, but Google’s image browser failed until, on a whim, our friend
switched off Google’s “adult content” filter. At which point the elusive
scientist appeared—together with pictures of the covers of the journals
Science, Nature,
Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and Neuron.
Why, we wonder, does Google think these are “adult” journals? Should
librarians be putting them on the top shelf?
A possible explanation is that Google filtered them out because they are on
the University of California’s Anatomy Department website. If “anatomy” is too
salacious for Google, just think what else you might be missing in your
searches.
IF YOU are making grand claims, it’s best to stick with them rather than
start hedging them. For his work as a marine surveyor, reader Mike Thomson hired
a small Bowtech underwater camera system to view the seabed. Going carefully
through the manual to set it up, he came across this in the technical
specifications page: “Focus Range: 110 mm to Infinity (approx).”
Is that give or take a few light years?
MEANWHILE, reader David Bustard was studying Web publishing on a learndirect
course with MS FrontPage 2000.
“Most users,” it told him, “connect to the Internet by using a modem that can
only download information at a finite speed.”
Who manufactures the modems that the others use, Bustard wondered. And where
could he buy one?
TALKING of speed, reader Stephen Sykes spotted an advert in New Media Age for
a company called Global Crossing. It states: “Our fast, secure, seamless global
network, powered by Hitachi Telecom (USA), Inc, transmits data at speeds that
practically break the sound barrier.”
Wow. At that rate, a data packet sent from London will arrive in New York
only four and a half hours later.
FINALLY, one must respect the concern supermarkets show in providing accurate
and informative labelling on the goods for sale. For example, the Co-op store in
Cranleigh, Surrey, sells 20-centilitre wine glasses at £2 each. The Co-op
is then careful to inform customers that this represents a price of £10
per litre.
