JUNK E-MAILS are annoying enough. Cold-calls from salespeople鈥攚ho
invariably catch you just as you鈥檙e about to sit down to dinner鈥攁re worse.
So spare a thought for residents of Washington Township, a suburb of
Indianapolis, who last August suffered a doubly irritating plague: a spate of
late-night phone calls from a berserk computer.
Marion County sheriff Jim Cottey started out with the best of democratic
intentions. He wanted to tell residents about a forthcoming town meeting, so he
got the TeleResearch Corporation to call 6000 phones with a recorded invitation
between 9 am and 9 pm on the Friday before the meeting. Lightning
struck鈥攁s it does, frequently, in that part of the world鈥攁t 9.42 pm
on the Thursday. The computer shook itself and set to work鈥攁nd carried on
calling 1000 people an hour until 3.30 in the morning.
The townspeople were not amused.
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A FEW weeks ago we presented our research paper title of the month,
concerning the well known 鈥渘onsense-mediated decay factor鈥� (22 September). Now
we discover that The Psychologist topped that with a whole two pages of
titles collected by G. Neil Martin, of the Annals of Improbable
Research.
Some imply interesting research expenses claims, as with 鈥淏eer consumption as
a function of music and the presence of others鈥� (Journal of the Pennsylvania
Academy of Science, vol 65, p 134), or the more puzzling 鈥淓ffects of
alcohol and frustration on experimental graffiti鈥� (Scandinavian Journal of
Psychology, vol 39, p 201).
Others were probably cheaper, and possibly more fun, such as 鈥淪ex differences
in sin preferences鈥� (Psychological Reports,vol 21, p 752) or 鈥淕ender
differences in book carrying鈥攁 controlled replication鈥� (Perceptual and
Motor Skills, vol 76, p 349). Yet others are plain weird: 鈥淭he hand vacuum
cleaner: friend or foe?鈥� (Journal of Urology, vol 128, p 829).
One of the above may, possibly, be the spoof sown among the 99 real titles
quoted in the article, or it may be the one 鈥渙f ambigious origin鈥�. 鈥淚f you can
spot which two they are,鈥� says The Psychologist, 鈥測ou win an evening
out with the editor. If not, you win two.鈥�
Or you could add to the list, and acquire fame (if not fortune) in this
column.
AN EXAMPLE of unfortunate timing is provided by a paper submitted in April
2000, accepted in January of this year and now published in October鈥檚
Earth-Science Reviews by Michael Brookfield and Ajruddin Hashmat
of Guelph University in Canada.
Regarding the petroleum potential of northern Afghanistan, they write:
鈥淔urther studies of the North Afghan platform should be rewarding because: (a)
the traps of strike-slip belts are difficult to find without detailed
exploration; (b) the troubles of the last 20 years mean that almost no
exploration has been done; and (c) conditions may soon become more
蹿补惫辞耻谤补产濒别.鈥�
THE TOP of the mortgage application form from The Yorkshire Building Society
proudly announces: 鈥淲ith you 100 per cent.鈥� Underneath are details of the
maximum mortgage on offer: 95 per cent
FEEDBACK doesn鈥檛 have much time to browse the newsgroups on Usenet these
days. Older readers may remember that these anarchic global
arguments鈥攐ften conducted by people who disguised their
identities鈥攚ere the epitome of 鈥淭he Internet鈥� before the Web took off.
They鈥檙e named hierarchically by subject: sci for science, then sci.physics. . .
and look, here鈥檚 the very deeply specialised 鈥渟ci.physics.edward.teller.
产辞辞尘.产辞辞尘.产辞辞尘鈥�.
We were sufficiently intrigued by this one to do a bit of searching at
groups.google.com, only to discover that the reason no one鈥檚 discussing the
origins of the H-bomb鈥攐r anything else鈥攊n this group is that it鈥檚 a
lingering ghost of someone鈥檚 joke and never really existed. Oh, well. That鈥檚
newsgroups for you.
AND continuing the theme of semiopathy 鈥攅mpathy with objects such as
鈥渁larmed doors鈥濃�攔eader Sarah Gribbin tells us that she has been studying
鈥淏iology: Brain and Behaviour鈥� with the Open University. This has meant writing
a lot of essays and taking a lot of exams, so she often finds herself
sympathising with what she finds described as 鈥渘ervous tissue鈥�.
Kathy Haskard, meanwhile, tells us of the wave of sympathy that washed over
her when she saw a sign on a country road in Tasmania saying: 鈥淲arning,
depressed bridge ahead鈥�. Roger Lampert, on the other hand, was perhaps suffering
more from semiophobia when, at an early age, he was deeply distressed by the
sight of the local 鈥渇amily butcher鈥�.
Other readers鈥� responses to signs are more those of confusion rather than
emotional involvement. Andrew Carter, for example, notes his problem arriving at
a definitive interpretation of a sign near his parents鈥� house that states,
without hindrances such as punctuation: 鈥淒ead slow children playing鈥�.
And Tony Lovatt is surprised that his local supermarket announces unashamedly
that it sells 鈥渕inute steaks鈥濃�攖hough he says that they are indeed very
small.
In the countryside near where Greg Johnson lives, horse stud farms often have
signs at the roadside advertising 鈥渟table manure鈥� for sale. He is grateful for
these signs, he says, because he hates to think what might happen if he were to
accidentally purchase some unstable manure鈥攚hich, presumably, might
explode or run riot round the roses.
Meanwhile, Sandy Henderson tells us that at Dunblane, near where he lives, is
a sign that reads 鈥淗ummingbird House Training Centre鈥�. Henderson says he hadn鈥檛
realised that hummingbirds needed house training, but it was very thoughtful of
someone to set up a centre to provide it.
Finally, Simon Rodgers says he came across a set of railings in Cambridge
with a sign that announced: 鈥淏icycles may be removed鈥�. A couple of bikes were
chained up to the railings. As they were clearly being offered for free, Rodgers
regretted not having any bolt cutters with him鈥攈e could have saved himself
a walk home.
