DOTCOM COMPANIES may be feeling the pain, but last month techies had a chance
to drown their sorrows at the Webby Awards in San Francisco, one of the most
glamorous parties in the industry鈥檚 social calendar. The awards are to the
Internet what the Oscars are to film, except that mercifully the winners are
asked to limit their acceptance speeches to five words or fewer.
Volunteermatch, a website that links volunteers with opportunities and which
won two Webbys, started well with: 鈥淏ush volunteers. It鈥檚 that easy.鈥� But with
many companies facing financial ruin, the mood became steadily darker.
Travelocity, the online travel company that won best commerce site, accepted the
award with: 鈥淭hanks! Now please go away.鈥� And the speech that best captured the
industry鈥檚 mood came from the online magazine Plastic, which accepted the best
鈥渆zine鈥� award with the jolly phrase: 鈥淏ankruptcy never felt so good.鈥�
ONE WOULD expect the citizens of the university city of Cambridge to be a
pretty intelligent lot. But not all of them are, it seems.
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The Cambridge Evening News has taken to proudly publishing the latest
figures for hits on its website. In May, apparently, it recorded 1,179,228 page
impressions, which is a very reasonable hit rate for a local paper. Moreover,
鈥渦sers spent an average of 17 minutes on each page鈥�.
Wait a minute, though. There are only about 300 words per page on the site.
Seventeen minutes to plough through 300 words? There must be something in the
Cambridge air . . .
AT LAST, we鈥檝e discovered a truly benign use for the mobile phone.
Readers with long memories might remember that in the 1950s the great
singer/actor Paul Robeson was refused a passport by the US government because he
was a member of the Communist Party of America. He couldn鈥檛 leave his country,
but his fans in Wales managed to hear him sing by ringing him up, then
connecting the phone to speakers. Miners鈥� welfare clubs in the valleys of South
Wales were packed with huge audiences enjoying these 鈥渓ive鈥� performances.
A couple of weeks ago, one of Feedback鈥檚 colleagues was listening to Luciano
Pavarotti at a picnic in London鈥檚 Hyde Park with about 60,000 other people. Her
friend suddenly picked up a mobile, dialled someone who couldn鈥檛 get to the
concert, held the phone in the air鈥攁nd broadcast Pavarotti鈥檚 rendition of
a Puccini number to Hastings, 50 miles away on the south coast.
And that was without breaking the concert regulations of 鈥渘o taping, no
recording鈥� during the performance.
READER Erik Klaassens was impressed by this line from the Future
Fantastic documentary shown on BBC World a couple of weeks ago: 鈥淎gainst
all expectations, the model behaved as predicted.鈥�
Isn鈥檛 that something?
OUR STORY about the Australian lawyer who patented the wheel to expose flaws
in the patent system (14 July) prompted reminders that the wheeze of patenting
old ideas by dressing them up in fancy new words is itself old.
In the US, the government obligingly grants patents on new ways of describing
old computer systems and business plans. A bully-boy 鈥渋nventor鈥� with money to
spend on lawyers can then threaten to sue innocent 鈥渋nfringers鈥�. The victim can
ask the US Patent Office to re-examine the case. But it costs up to
$2500.
Things are better outside the US. Anyone can write to the British or European
Patent Offices or World Intellectual Property Organization in Geneva with an
鈥渙bservation鈥�, that shows how a supposedly new idea is actually old. This costs
nothing, and if their observation is correct the patent will be refused.
But business bullies still try and exploit the system. They know how few
people realise that anyone can file a patent application on any idea, however
daft, and quite legitimately boast of a 鈥減atent pending鈥�. Bullies also bandy the
tag 鈥淭M鈥�, to suggest they have a trademark, though only RTM鈥攆or registered
trademark鈥攃arries legal weight.
Inside the British Patent Office they privately refer to TM as 鈥渢otally
meaningless鈥� and patent pending as 鈥渙ne step beyond meaningless鈥�.
Many years ago, a friend of Feedback鈥檚 who worked in a patent office needed
to prove this point, so he filed for a British patent on a 鈥渘ew and improved
pest control system that instantly kills all known insects stone dead鈥� by using
a 鈥減ercussive device with planar surface and orthogonal, contoured
别虫迟别苍蝉颈辞苍鈥�.
The 鈥減ending鈥� patent went on to explain that the technology involved placing
the pest on a flat surface and using a small hammer to hit it hard.
THE INSTRUCTION booklet for the Garden Master lawnmower tells
users: 鈥淒o not tilt the lawnmower when starting the engine or switching on
the motor, except if the lawnmower has to be tilted for starting鈥�
THE FIRST words of the safety guide for a Konica camera are: 鈥淭his product is
intended for photography. Please do not use it for any other purposes other than
辫丑辞迟辞驳谤补辫丑测.鈥�
We鈥檝e racked our brains, but have failed to come up with any ideas about what
these other purposes might be. Perhaps we should start a website called
1001thingstodowithaKonica.com and hope that people will write in with their own
suggestions.
FINALLY, we always thought of Americans as tending towards the larger end of
the human-dimensions spectrum, but it seems we were wrong.
In the Terminal 1 building at JFK airport, New York, there is a men鈥檚
washroom containing a modest five cubicles, four urinals and four washbasins.
Outside, a sign warns potential patrons: 鈥淥ccupancy by more than 2556 persons is
dangerous and unlawful.鈥�
